What Your Wedding Bouquet Flowers Say About How Basic You Are

Are you a basic bitch getting married soon? Are you trying to figure out the perfect flower combinations for your super special day? If you want your flower arrangements to say “celebration” and not “swirling torrent of grief,” read on.

Yah, flowers have meaning. Just like make believe horoscopes, gem stones, and other useless shit, the difference between having hydrangeas in your bouquet and having roses is big if you buy into symbolic meaning.

Let’s assume you do and are about a ½ bottle of wine in at the moment (same). Let us guide you through the world of flower meanings.

1. Red Roses

I’m sorry, but if you carry red roses down the aisle, plz don’t be my friend. Aside from my 10-year-old self who thought these were the most perfectly perfect flowers EVER, most everyone these days that sees a red rose thinks of the gas station it was likely purchased from (and the fun crack pipe it comes with). They convey deep desire and longing, so yeah, go ahead and convey how horny and in love you are.

2. White Roses

Take a note from Indian brides that dress themselves in head-to-toe red for their weddings. White symbolizes death in Hindu culture, so I find it really fucking funny that we all wear white wedding dresses to the altar. As far as white roses go, they symbolize purity and chastity. So if you and your intended are both creepy virgins, go ahead and carry these down the aisle. They can also symbolize sympathy. Awkward.

3. Carnations

Hooray for trash flowers. Did everyone else get these every Valentine’s Day from their pretend boyfs in fourth grade? No? Just me? Anyway, if you’re even DEBATING having this flower in a wedding bouquet, centerpiece, aisle runner—even the fucking throw-away bouquet—you shouldn’t be getting married. You’re no better than chubby fourth grade me. These flowers symbolize white trash pride and beauty, but you’ll be saying, “I’m cheap and low class.” Hard pass.

4. Hydrangeas

These have been super trendy as of late, which is hilar to me, since I just found out they symbolize thanks. Like, oh thank you for coming to my giant party and buying me something shitty off my registry. Fun fact—hydrangeas can ALSO mean heartlessness. I feel validated for hating on weddings as hard as I do now. Hydrangeas are my spirit flower.

5. Peonies

Happiness, health, and prosperity seem like decent things to work into your bouquet for you wedding. Make sure to leave these out of your bridesmaids’ bouquets, though. They don’t get to be happy. This is your day.

6. Sunflowers

I fucking hate sunflowers—I need to put that out there. They’re tacky and so are you. If you do go with sunflowers, your symbolism is spot on with their dedicated love meaning. Good for you. Too bad your eye for symbolism hasn’t helped your clear lack of knowing when shit is fug.

7. Lillies

Beauty and shit! So carry a bunch of lilies, if you want to overpay for flowers, have them die rly fast, and are convinced your cupcake dress is super hot.

8. Orchids

Are you edgy and exotic? Get some orchids and watch your flower budget triple. Orchids symbolize feminism, so I guess they aren’t a good choice, if you’re wearing a suit for your wedding day and don’t like men? (Kidding, I know what feminists are.)

9. Daisies

Is this an arranged marriage? Are you actually 12? Blink twice if you need help! Shockingly, daisies symbolize innocence. So, if you were raised believing that holding hands results in drugs and pregnancy, this is the flower for you.

10. Zinnias

Joke’s on you, if you picked these whimsical (shoot me, I just used whimsical in a sentence) flowers for your centerpieces or general wedding décor. Zinnias actually symbolize absent friendship, so they PROBABLY aren’t the best for your whole outward devotion of love thing.

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